


Luis' Stories

by krycekasks



Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Luis has things to say stories to tell, Stucky is mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2018-10-16 14:13:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10572954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krycekasks/pseuds/krycekasks
Summary: Things Luis says.





	1. Regarding complaints about fanfic formatting...

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collection of Luis' stories that have been posted on my tumblr [krycek-asks](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/krycek-asks)  
> FOR POSTERITY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luis deals with complainers.
> 
> Original post [here](https://krycek-asks.tumblr.com/post/155346766437/people-would-read-your-stuff-if-you-formatted).

I dig it.  
As Luis would say, "That shit is for reals, yo! My cousin Tito runs a bookshop, well it was a front for the ESPA, east side poker association, which he ran in the back - place was legit! all cigar smoke and shifty eyes, even their lap dogs had poker faces, he was real into historical biographies and true crime, fit with the Capone aesthetic know what I'm sain'? But I was into all kinds of sci-fi and fantasy, thought I was all that with my comic book empire but Tito would give me Heinlein and Leguin and I would eat that shit up yo! The words, the style, the voice of these writers man! Best education of my life.  
He also used to say 'Don't bite the hand that feeds you dawg, 'cause we all gotta eat' and the stories we consume? That's food for the mind and the soul bro, as essential to life as the fuckin' air you breathe ya know?"


	2. Regarding Valentine's Day...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original post [here](https://krycek-asks.tumblr.com/post/157242849597/luis-best-ever-valentines-day).

"Oh oh oh I got the best Valentines Day story. So me and my boy Scott were working this job right, like super covert, all black leotards and these like night goggles my cousin Ernesto made from fuckin ray bans flashlights duct tape and shit, which sounds kinda magic school bus but was totally legit. Dude is like Bill Nye straight outta Compton, no joke. So we's in this basement complex with all these twists and turns and I start humming some Bowie 'cause we are in the labyrinth and we are soooo lost yo! It was space oddity and Scott did the ground control parts 'cause my boy knows how much I love astronaughts and I had killed it the night before at Dom's Karaoke House doin' Major Tom, I got the cosplay and like a floaty dance, it's a complete show ya know? I don't do things halfsies. Right right right yeah so we're singing real low 'cause we're still in stealth mode and I'm a professional so I know how to whisper a tune but then we turn a corner and BAM! All I see through my goggles is a flash of red and the next second Scott is down and I'm pressed against the wall by the arm of the most stupid fine sleek as hell all-in-black fuck you I'm a red head and I'm gonna be fuckin' proud of it woman that I have ever seen in my life yo! But my partner is down so before I asses the romantic implications of the situation I gotta check on my dawg right, but before I can get a word out she reads my mind with this like soul piercing gaze, Mona Lisa ain't got shit on this lady's enigma, and says, 'Your friend is fine. What are you doing here?' And duuuuuude she had like this Russian accent or something and you know how that stops the blood flowing to my brain and all but I was smooth, daddy don't get psyched so easy so I say 'I'm currently being held by the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my whole life' - always better to lead with the straight up truth in life threatening situations and that's some free advice 'cause no doubt this chick coulda snapped me in two. And it wasn't a 'doofy dumb ass' face Scott! I was fuckin charming and how would you know? You were unconscious so kindly shut it and let me finish this 'cause, and it's true Scott stop shaking your head! That fine ass super spy smiled at me, just a tug of her beautiful lips but man, I could tell, just one taste of this and she was hooked. It might've been my night shades though, 'cause she yanked them off my head and started asking like a million technical questions about 'em but like Ernesto is the inventor bro, not me, so I offer them to her and she's all 'Yeah? You think I'll let you go in exchange?' and I was all 'I don't want you to get in trouble with your boss or nothin', how about a kiss?' And you know what she said? Shut up Scott you were still out on the floor drooling and shit bro! She said 'Yes'.  
And what a kiss man! I can still taste her cherry lip balm mmmmmm yeah! Then she helped us find our way out and I was gonna give her Ernesto's contact info since she liked his tech so much, but she just said all cryptic and shit 'I'll find him. See you around boys.' And you know what? Now Ernesto works at Avengers fuckin Tower with Tony I'll turn you into a fuckin cyborg Stark, and that super fine kick-ass Russian spy lady? That was Black Widow man. And THAT is how I got a kiss from Black Widow on Valentines Day."


	3. Regarding two assholes and a quesadilla...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If writing fic was like making a really good quesadilla...
> 
> Original post [here](https://krycek-asks.tumblr.com/post/158745953467/luis-story-time-two-assholes-and-a-quesadilla).

"Yeah yeah yeah so like I'm eating at my favourite quesadilla place in the old 'hood where my mama grew up and she would bring me and I'd get my cheeks pinched and all that, so anyways I'm just sittin and chattin with La Guera, she's the owner and hands down the greatest quesadilla maker of all the ages, when a couple come up all swagger thinking they're the shit and you know they ain't no good cause they have that judgemental look on their faces? like their default face is to be a dick. And they come up and order without even greeting la guera and as she's making the best quesadillas they're likely to have during their lame ass existence they start telling her what she's doing wrong, how she should be making a quesadilla based on what they think they know from watching hipster fuckin cooking shows on Netflix. Now I'm just gritting my teeth yo, that whine of disrespect coming from those two assholes threatening my enjoyment of my queso con papas when one of them says to me ,'Hey buddy! What are you eating? Show me your combo, man' And by this time I've had enough of listening to these payasos homes, know what I'm sayin? There is only so much bullshit I can take, so I take my sweet ass time chewing, mama always said a hundred times or you'll choke, and take a sip of my cafe de olla, then I stand and looks at these two, and you know I'm a happy guy! The world is my friend bro, but you disrespect part of my world, one of my friends? I can get pretty fuckin serious. But hey! Benefit of the doubt, brah, so I start with talking, tell these two clueless lost little fucks "One, I ain't your amigo. Two, I think you owe an apology, but I'm gonna take a wild fuckin guess from the dumbass confused looks on your faces that you don't know what you need to apologize for. And look at that! There it is, the incredulity that you need to be sorry for anything. Well lucky for you Luis is here to help." And la guera just looks at me like I'm one of her unruly sons, a 'take this outside or I'll smack you upside the head' look, and fuuuuck she may be tiny but her arm is stacked! All that tortilla making, you know it! But she's also kinda smiling too, trying to fight it but I feel it! 'Cause there ain't much greater feeling out there than knowing someone's got your back.  
Yeah so, turns out those two needed a bit more than just a talkin to, so I took it outside, no need to tell me twice yo! And wouldn't you know it, these two thought they were entitled to my best effort, try and bully me into showin off my king fu skillz or some shit, talkin like they know me just cause they saw me on the news kickin ass with the Avengers, but a sucker punch to the gut was all that was required, didn't even break a sweat bro! And when we was done la guera called their order up and they paid and limped off to their little nerd circle or whatever, no doubt to start talkin shit. But who cares yo! Cause la guera had two more quesas hot and ready for yours truly! And I swear the flor de calabaza con quesillio was writ straight from word of angels.  
So, yeah, don't mess with a fuckin quesadilla master dawg, cause there are guardians out there who will not hesitate to fuck you up."


	4. Regarding being hugged by Steve Fuckin Rogers for the first time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two times Luis hugged Steve and one time Steve hugged first.
> 
> Original post [here](https://krycek-asks.tumblr.com/post/159190059737/luis-story-time-the-first-time-i-got-a-hug-from).

"The first time I stood in front of Steve Fuckin Rogers man I smiled so wide I felt my cheek bones crack, and I couldn't stop yo! I said somethin stupid like 'it's nice to finally meet you bro' or 'heard a lot about you brah, but like only the good stuff ya know?' Like there's any legit bad stuff. And he just smiled into that aura of kindness that radiates all around him, and that shit is gold yo, my prima Leticia is in tune with the spirits and she says the good ones are gold, literally, like they radiate gold and what could be more good than Steve Fuckin Rogers holding his hand out to you? I get into that golden warm haze and pull that dude in a for a hug and jeeeezus have you felt that guero's biceps? Practically gave myself a concussion on the dudes pecks. Course I told him that, a brotha likes to hear all his hard work ain't goin all under appreciated, and Scott's just standing behind him nodding at me all 'Right? Right? I toooooold you he was awesome' but silent talkin like with his eyes. And Steve Fuckin Rogers is the humblest dude you will ever meet, duckin his head all shy teenager or whatever age he's frozen in since that magic potion he drank or gamma ray or whatever made him wander the earth all ageless 'n shit, like the world's most buff vampire but instead of hiding from the sun and drinking blood, he shines that light right through you and eats like six burgers at a time as though his life depended on that shit, like he'd turn to ash without twelve million calories a day. So of course I introduce him to my tío Pepe's taco stand, ain't no safer place to discuss a job AND chow down on life giving suadero. Best salsa in town too. Just about closed the place down early that night with the sheer quantity of taco consumption yo! and everyone fallin all over eachother tryin to get Captain America a jarrito or a napkin or whatever. Of course Steve Fuckin Rogers pays for everything we ate and more. He can be a happy dude man, well when he's eaten anyways, dude is the definition of 'have a snickers' most of the time.  
Anyways so a couple months later and I'm helpin Scott do some serious ass swear to god legit Avenging. I mean I've met Norse gods and kissed Black Widows but nothin could prepare me for the awesome presence of the Winter Distract You With My Awesome Darkness While I Slice You Soldier saving me from some shit eating alien monsters with nothin but the butter knife or whatever the fuck he pulls out of all those secret little pockets in that kick ass black leather number he wears. 'Course he's just Bucky outside of the fight, like that dude could be 'just' anything ya know? Like who else appreciates how to properly braise leeks or fold butter to get just the right amount of lamination in a goddamn croissant huh? Bucky that's who. Anyways he's Steve Fuckin Rogers life partner or whatever, no need for labelling amongst friends ya know, so when the Winter Soldier gets his last filleting knife lost in the slobber of the most persistent of alien dickweeds and we're staring down the short track of our lives into the dripping maw of death it's Steve Fuckin Rogers who comes in at the last second to save the day, his glowing aura alone shredding that hell hound into shadowy fuckin bits that blow away in the breeze. I mean really it was that kick ass shield made of Infinitum or awesomium or whatever, but you hear me dawg. There was a group hug after, well it was more like I wrapped my arms around a single super being - those two were like melded into one yo, my arms barely got half way. It was beautiful. Tears were shed bro I ain't afraid to admit it but I'm sensitive like that. Daddy ain't afraid of feelings.  
So me and Scott start hangin around the Avengers club house more often and it is so tight yo! They got ping pong, Xbox, indoor outdoor pools, fuckin Nordic spa quality steam rooms ya know what I'm sayin? Like breathing eucalyptus through every pore in my body is a religious experience, and all this in midtown Manhattan yo! Stark knows how to treat his buddies right, get 'em back in fightin form asap. We'd do midnight ramen with Clint, Scott'd hang with Bruce around his lab exchanging science knowledge like they were playing poker or somethin, I'd hang with Nat and play Boggle or Scrabble but my girl she cheats in other languages I'm sure of it! But whatcha gonna do, call Black Widow out on some Eastern European word for yak's milk? 'sides she lets me use my chilango 'cause deep down she's a real sweetheart. Brunch Roulette with Bucky on Sundays - we pick the trendiest restaurant we can find that day and proceed to order everything we can stand, acting like real buffs, legit Michelin Four Star reviewers or whatever gets the staff jumpin. Dude loves cuisine and can talk about the thousand ways to cook over fire while slicing a tomato without even looking, nothing snags on my mans knives, keeps those muthas sharp ya know? But Steve Fuckin Rogers is a whole other story yo, saddest dude I have ever met when he ain't got no fight to plan for, and you can only run in one spot for a certain amount of time until you wear that floor down, or like literally break your shoes or somethin. And it ain't like he's havin a hard time adjusting to modern digital life, and dude seems happy enough eating whatever Buck puts in front of him, even gets this close to a smile when he can drag himself outside the clubhouse to join us for Brunch Roulette and makes the staff fall all over themselves if they fail to fill up Bucky's water when asked or turn his creme brûlée into scrambled eggs. I mean seriously yo, my abuela can make a perfect flan in her sleep and some of these posers can't tell the difference between a creme caramel and a Cadbury Creme Egg. But if left to his own devices he starts lookin through old photos from his Known Associates box or old sketchbooks from his apartment in Brooklyn from the dawn of time, aka the Great Depression. Tony calls them his Sad Souvenirs, and that golden aura? It just fades yo, like it's still there but limp or something. Bucky told me over mimosas, best ever wake up juice on the market by the way! He told me he tried to hide the Sad Souvenir box once, but Steve Fuckin Rogers just sat at their breakfast bar making houses out of an old bicycle card deck and they just kept fallin over and he'd get sadder and sadder and smaller and smaller until Bucky couldn't take it anymore and asked him to help open a pickle jar or some shit and put the Sad Souvenirs back while he was occupied being 'helpful'. I heard that story and thought of my cousin's girlfriend's brother's neighbor's dog's vet's husband out in Red Hook - dude owns a sandwich shop, best cubanos you can get bro! It was the pickles that reminded me of that heaven on a bolillo. But what does a sandwich shop have to do with Steve Fuckin Rogers you ask? Nothin bro, 'cept it's next to a pawn shop owned by a hundred year old dude named Frank that used to know my homeboys from back in the day! More to the point he knew Sarah Rogers, the living saint herself who used to walk the halls of the TB wards like the superhero she was, took care of her little slip of a boy and smacked down anyone who dared breathe wrong in his direction. Scott said he overheard Nat tellin Clint that she'd overheard Tony talkin on the phone to some Commando named Morita's kid about stories his dad told him about Steve Fuckin Rogers back in the day. Seems like the poor kid lost his mom to the very disease she'd been savin people from all those years ago, and he used to sing her favourite songs in this strange language but would shut up when caught out by his soldier buddies. Kept lookin in all the churches they crashed in while marching through the mud of war for rosaries too, but not just any rosary though he'd pray pretty hard regardless but he was lookin for something all specific like. Seems Tony's dad Howard sent some dudes out to try and track down Sarah's shit that was left behind at the sanitorium where people go to get better but mostly just pass on, but never found nothin. Scott said Nat said she asked Bucky about the singing but he wouldn't say a word about it, just laughing it off as though the Cap couldn't sing. But it got me thinking - so what if Howard Starks minions couldn't find anything? They weren't from the 'hood ya know? You gotta know people, trust 'em, if they gonna give up somethin precious. So I put the word out at Franks pawn shop, you know if they come across anything, or know who to ask. Well, a few weeks later I got a call from old Frank himself. Seems he remembered a neighbour of Sarah and her son who'd been in the same TB ward as Nurse Rogers but had survived! Attributes it to Sarah giving her something before she passed on, and she kept that stuff for her son Little Stevie, and don't you know Nat won't let go of that nickname even under threat of death, But Little Stevie turned into Captain America and drove a plane into the ice and never came back to Brooklyn so she passed Sarah's stuff down to her daughter then to her son to his daughter until Franks great granddaughter puts the word out and that's all she wrote man! Except it ain't cause the Cap came outta the ice and now I had to convince him to come out with me to Red Hook yo! And the quickest way to get Steve Fuckin Rogers to follow you is with the promise of the best cubano sandwich he's ever had in his life. Don't forget he's a food vampire bro! And dudes most relaxed after he's eaten his four sandwiches and a box of Girl Guide cookies from these niñas who set up shop outside - little hustlers know a target when they see one! Between the two of us we bought three cases to bring back to the clubhouse. But there's one more mission we gotta complete, so I say I wanna say hello to an old friend and we go into Franks place and don't you know Steve Fuckin Rogers recognizes Frank right away 'Hey Frankie!' he says like it's been a week or something, well I guess it hasn't really been that long for him being frozen most of the century and all. Frank gives some Brooklyn salute or somethin then gets right down to business sayin 'I guess you're here for your mothers things' The confusion on my poor mans face! Lookin from me to Frank back and forth until Frank takes mercy on him and pulls out what is now and forever known as the Happy Crying Souvenir box. It's got Sarah's rosary, a song book in Latin and one in Irish or something and a letter, a letter for Little Stevie and you know I teared up at that point yo, I said I was sensitive! But I was smilin' and Frank was chattering away about how he'd found this stuff and the golden aura starts to fill the place and I'm suddenly swallowed up by it, biceps crushing my neck but all gentle like, like being embraced by a huge warm teddy bear made of concrete, that's what it's like to be hugged by Steve Fuckin Rogers, and he just says to me in this super legit old school gangsta voice I have only ever heard in The Godfather, 'Thank you, Luis. An stop callin me Steve Fuckin Rogers' And when I get released and can finally take a breath I take his massive hand, look him in his eyes and say, 'Anytime Little Stevie' and dude just shoves me like a Saint Bernard pushing over his little chihuahua buddy, and it goes on like that and when we get back to the clubhouse brandishing cookies and happy stories from the hood we turn that shit into a party. Bucky was so happy he made me chilaquiles from my ma's secret recipe, as though you can keep a secret from Slice 'n Dice Barnes. I even got a kiss from Nat and one from Barton too, though dude was on a pretty crazy sugar high from all those cookies so he totally denies it. And that's the story of the first time I got a hug from Steve."


	5. Regarding Luis' dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet IornTooth and his buddies, Fisho and Ophelia the Otter, adorable sea creatures brought into existence by the amazing and beautiful, intensely talented creator of all things wonderful and good @thelittleblackfox - I said “narwhal” and she MADE IT HAPPEN (!!!!)
> 
> Of course, Luis had a weird dream about them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original post [ here ](https://krycek-asks.tumblr.com/post/161926860772/meet-iorntooth-and-his-buddies-fisho-and-ophelia)

“Last night I had the craziest dream, brah. Like you know how I go out for sushi every three Thursdays with Clint? Yeah it’s become this ritual so ingrained that he’s been known to pass up blade sharpening with my girl Nat at the local kitchen porn store when her fave TOJIRO company rep is in town, and you know when I say ‘pass up’ I mean attempted non-compliance yo! You don’t actually say ‘no’ to Black Widow and get away with it. So, like, it’s one of those Thursdays and it feels like one of those Thursdays but broooooooooo it wasn’t. ‘Cause I was floatin’ on my back in the middle of the ocean trying to crack open this clam that was sitting on my belly. And my doughy six pack? It was covered in fur, dawg! I was like a sea-weasel, what’s it called again? that adorable but smart as a whip water creature, my homegirl Hermione’s patronus…an otter! Thanks Scott, you are potterlore personified bro, you’re welcome. My first clue that this shit wasn’t real shoulda been that I was an otter going alone to triple thursday sushi night, but honestly, it didn’t seem weird at all. If I could just remember that feeling every time Little Stevie throws my boy Bucky from the top of one high-rise to the next then follows him without so much as a light-jog leap I could get back those twenty years those super dudes shaved off my life with their heroic antics know what I’m sayin’? Now I’m pretty sure otters are happy creatures you know, generally, but I couldn’t get that clam open for the life of me, that mutha was sealed shut with like the Kragle or somethin’. Then all of a sudden a silvery white spike starts coming up out of the ocean depths right beside me yo! Like normally people sneaking up on me with sharp objects brings out my instinctive kung-fu reflex but like I just said, nothing weird was weirding me out. So like this spike gets longer and longer and turns out it’s attached to this whale dude! He does this like triple axel or whatever all graceful and shit out of the water and barely splashes me, and don’t ask me how I knew it was a dude yo! But he comes up beside me and says he could hear my cursin’ this clam from like a mile away and he would totally help me but turns out the clam is his fourth cousin twice removed on his mother’s side and his name was Bob and he may be a bit of a jerk sometimes but he didn’t want to piss off his ma if he didn’t at least try and save him from being eaten so would I please let him go and sorry about disrupting my dinner, maybe he could recommend a place that was near the next ice flow and could show me even though he was on his way to an audition at the community theater but probably wouldn’t get the part anyways and does he mind if his buddy joined us but like his friend was a fish and did I eat fish ‘cause it would get kinda awkward if I tried to eat his friend, and you know what? I’m pretty sure he was Canadian. So of course I said ‘yes’, like I’m gonna pass up an invite from a unicorn. Turns out his name was Iorn Tooth which is badass man! And his buddy wasn’t just any fish but a glittery purple magnificent sea angel named Fisho who performed spoken word at this ice flow restaurant and his stuff was legit yo! Straight up intellectual poetry and even though he was talking about like how the difference between those with gills and those with blow holes was like no real difference at all, it made so much sense at the time yo! And this massive white bear was preparing the plates and she would slide them to the customers over the ice, and if she really liked you she would put a little spin into it. Any you know me brah, I couldn’t turn off this charm if I tried, so me and Iorn’s plates comes spinning over and I look down and this is where it turns dark yo, ‘cause on my plate? Is Bob. All I hear is Iorn saying that his mom is going to kill him and that’s when I wake up, and I had some cold sweats yo, but was kinda disappointed too ya know? Like I felt me an’ Iorn Tooth and Fisho could get into some real adventures and I didn’t want to leave that dream world. But Bruce and his big green brilliant brain pointed out that I could still have those adventures, I just had to write them myself. So that how the Adventure Buddies webcomic was born yo! Check it out on luisandscottsexcellentadventures.avengers.net and don’t you know Tony is the biggest fanboy, he even has a horn he puts on his suit. ‘Course it has like twenty secret weaponized functions, he’s just extra like that. And you know, every time I pass a sushi place I think of Iorn and Fisho and like now we go to ramen. Can you even have vivid dreams about noodles? That was rhetorical, Scott, and I don’t think gnocci count in this situation. Context bro, we’ll work on it. ”


	6. Regarding the return of two assholes and a quesadilla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They came back :|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original post [here](https://krycek-asks.tumblr.com/post/167867577972/luis-storytime-the-return-of-two-assholes-and-a).

So, like, I'm sitting on the bench at la Guera's place, you know, enjoin' my bistek con queso on the regular, and you'll never guess who fuckin' shows up bro, those two assholes from last time! But who has time to hold a grudge, am I right? Life is too short, brah ,so they get greeted with a smile like everyone else as la Guera asks for their order, and I go back to enjoying every bite of the single most heavenly form of nourishment I have ever consumed, which is still sayin' a lot, yo! I see your look, yeah I enjoy a lot of different eats, I ain't going to apologize. So I'm nom nom'ing away when I start to hear this whining noise from the front counter and when I look up one of those assholes is going off on how they can't stand the mushroom guisado, keeps goin' on and on about how gross they are and how they make them want to puke, but then the other one chimes in about how nasty the huitlacoche looks, all black and slimy and at this point I'm, like what the fuck? Jog on bro, this place ain't for you. But it's when I look up at la Guera and see her lookin' down at the floor all angry and embarrassed at the same time, just tryin' to ignore them assholes, that's when you gotta step in you know? I don't ever want to see a friend made to feel that way, and for what yo!? There's a time and a place to air your personal grievances on shrooms, but seriously y'all? In front of la Guera, who puts her love in every fuckin' quesadilla from the seasonal huitlacoche con quesillo for the foodies from downtown to the simple yet tasty as fuck papas sin grasa for that dude on the corner with the ulcer? In her place of business? In her home?! Nah, man. This ain't it.  
So, I stood up and walked to the front and don't you know those two assholes didn't recognize me from last time bro! But hey, that's OK, I'm all for repeating a lesson until it sticks.

So, like, you can stop fussing with that cut on my head, Nat, I'm really sorry for being late and all, and maybe your lunch got a little cold but I swear yo! It was so worth it and I will make it right, put these babies on the comal, no worries, I'll even bring 'em to you with like a cloth napkin, you don't got to get up or nothin'! Aw nah! Please don't call Hill! I'll bring you double tomorrow all right? That is a SHINY knife.


	7. Regarding Wanda's Day Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Overheard at the next table during brunch last Sunday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story makes a few references to Chapter 4: Regarding being hugged by Steve Fuckin' Rogers for the first time.
> 
> Original post [here](https://krycek-asks.tumblr.com/post/167867369732/luis-storytime-wandas-day-out).

“Yo yo yo, so, like, you remember last week when I was all ‘why doesn’t Wanda come out with us anymore to Brunch Roulette?’ And you were like, ‘I dunno brah, but now that you mention it she didn’t hang on movie night neither’. And that was Tremors night yo! Kevin Fuckin’ Bacon - you remember the look on Little Stevie’s face when Rhonda tricked the worm into flying off a cliff to its explosive death? Pure victory, bro! You just know he’s saving that strategy up there in his eidetic memory banks. So’s, like, I solved the mystery dude, but you’re gonna like it about as much as I do, which is like, nada, nil, nyet as you say when you slip into your dark side. Fuck bro! Watch it where you throw that potato hash! Shit is hot! Anyways, so I’m wandering through the common room just back from that abstractionism exhibit at that chill gallery down on 3rd when I find our girl just staring at the news. ‘Course she heard me coming from a mile away but her sixth sense was distracted just enough to not change the channel until it was too late and I caught a glimpse of the reel at the bottom of the screen. Big, bold letters, yo: Wanda Maximoff -should the Scarlet Witch be allowed to walk the streets? Congress to decide on bill regarding inhumans. ‘Inhumans’. In-fuckin’-humans, can you believe that? Barely eighteen years old and the people running this so-called civilization you call home have already decided you’re not a human. They’re going to have a big ol’ chat about how none of the laws that are there to protect their citizens apply to you because they’ve already decided you’re not one of them. Perfect fuckin’ strangers have an opinion about whether you deserve to live your life or not. And that’s not even the worst part bro, not by a long shot. Internet trolls are one thing, just about everybody’s got a case of those sad fuckers, but guess who’s standing in the fucking kitchen making his triple-shot mocha latte? Tony My-girl-left-me-so-I’mma-take-everyone-down-with-me Stark. And you know what he says? Put down the knife, my man, he ain’t standin’ right behind me. Is he? Well, since Vision took his douche-filter out to be de-scaled or somethin’, he says to Wanda, ‘Better stay in the Tower until this blows over. And by ‘stay’ I mean that I’ve already altered security protocols, so, you know, stay. And try not to send someone to their own personal hellscape just because you’re bored, ‘K? We have x-box for that.’ And poof! He’s gone like a leprechaun.   
I KNOW.   
I can see the murder in your eyes, amigo, I am right on that train to avenge-ville with you but it’s not gonna help and you know it. Just make all kinda things worse for that sweet little redhead, ya know? No, I don’t mean Nat! What’s wrong wichu? Don’t get me wrong, I love my girl, but last time I called her ‘sweet’, well, let’s just say that my Twitter followers will never recover. Yes, I have more than just Scott following me. Steve Fuckin’ Rogers, for one. Clint, too. Uh, Sam, Rhodey… Oh yes, he fuckin’ does! I beg to differ, brah. This may come as a surprise to you but your Golden Rod of Morning Wood is a killah on social media. You ain’t ever seen him go after some corrupt government official online? Duuuuude someday you will cave and get an iPhone and get learnt, I’m tellin you! He called himself that bro, don’t get mad at me! Your boy has all kinds of creativity, I’m sure. Sorry my man but ever since I got a taste of those lumber jacked arms around me I gotta bit of a homey-crush, know what I’m sayin’? That’s a fuckin’ secret asshole, don’t you go all giggle fit on me. What is in these mimosas, dawg? Super-trooper truth serum or some shit Bruce cooked up, no doubt.   
But, like, as I was sayin’ Wanda looked down, bro, like already given up. Like, when you get told some bullshit so often you start to believe it, all doubting yourself n’shit. Nah, man, no way, that snapped me out of the frozen stupor caused by Tony’s douche-ray and I immediately put my arm around her and said, ‘Girl, I am taking you to see some fish.’   
No, I am not talkin’ about my prima Leticia’s boyfriend’s little brother’s mariscos place down by Fulton’s, Bucky. Well, I guess ‘Cente makes a decent ceviche, you know, for this latitude, and yes I am a ‘fuckin food snob’ as you so eloquently put it, and who’s one to talk bro! You’re the one who sent back your poached eggs because the yolks were three-quarters dry. Pot, kettle, black, that’s all I’m sayin’. I was going for a little something more life affirming, and where do I go when I want to just escape and remind myself of some goodness in this world? The aquarium! Yeaahhhhh, now you’re gettin’ it. I know how you liked those octo-dudes in their camo hanging out on those rocks when I brought you the first time - the look on your face when they appeared from outta nowhere, duuuude, I’ve seen love and I’ve seen envy and those complicated emotions with all their little nuances blending together like a Norman Lewis, that was your face! But Wanda, she had a harder time letting go of the outside world and just, you know, experiencing these other-worldly creatures. There were a couple times when her eyes would light up at manta rays dancin’ like they’re flying all around you, or the jellyfish all glowing and ethereal. But always something would make the sadness in those big brown eyes of hers come back, you know, all pull the hood down around her, shrink away a bit deeper into herself. And like maayyyyybe I was talkin’ too much, you know me when I get onto a subject that I know just enough about to be dangerous. My cousin Frankie says that’s why they wouldn’t let me into no science clubs at juvie, ‘fraid I’d accidentally blow somethin’ up. I know, right! Like it’d be an ‘accident’. But Wanda just says in her soft voice that no, she likes it when I talk. Don’t have to tell me twice, homes! Probably the only time I was speechless was when we went to see the otters. Oh my gawd, bro, they are so cute. And smart! And there was this aqua-lady with a mic explaining how they can like float on their backs and use their bellies like a table. I know, I totally thought of Clint too when he’s all cozy on the edge of the sofa and settled in to watch Myth Busters. And otters, those little hedonists, will do shit just for the fun of it. Sometimes they’re like lone wolves of the sea, but mostly they live in groups. And here’s the cutest shit of all, homes, they hold hands when they’re sleeping so they don’t drift away from eachother. Wanda was so into it, these smart little creatures going about their business havin’ fun in this world and livin’ it up. Then she takes my hand, gives it a squeeze and says, ‘Thanks for not letting me float away.’  
You know how sensitive I am, bro, I teared up for sure at that, eyes all red rimmed, snifflin’, the works. Just made Wanda smile, so it’s worth it, obvs. So I get her a soft little otter key ring at the gift shop and she cajoles me until I get that ‘AxoLOLtl’ t-shirt I’ve been hummin’ and hawin’ about. We sneak back across town, and she’s grippin’ that fuzzy little otter like it’s the only thing keepin’ her feet on the ground. But you know, she didn’t look down once the whole way back, sat there on that train just like everyone else. So, maybe she’s not ready for Brunch Roulette, but I don’t think she believes that shit people say about her, and she knows she ain’t gotta prove nothin’ to nobody.   
‘Course, coulda been that emotional speech Little Stevie gave to her when we got back to the common room that really drove it home. All ‘we’re a family, we’re in this together’ and ‘who here can call themselves human if not a one of us has half the kindness and heart and bravery that you have’. Oh my gawd, bro, when Steve Fuckin’ Rogers gets goin’, I mean, not a dry eye in the house, fuck, I’m tearin’ up just thinkin’ about it. And Wanda just nods and accepts his words and like lets him hug her and kinda sags a bit into his teddy-bear embrace, I mean dude is all-encompassing, I guess I don’t have to tell you that, you dawg. And I have never seen Tony look so conTRITE! His face was so red, I am positive Cap had given him his own speech, not the huggy kind know what I mean, and dragged him by his ears to apologize, like literally, and I don’t gotta remind you the grip your boy has with them strong hands, dude’s like a vice with them muscles, but soft too. Oh shit, is it hot in here? Garçon! Another mimosa, and keep ‘em comin’ brah.”


End file.
